Every woman wants to be loved for who she is. She wants to be accepted with all her little quirks. She wants to feel comfortable being herself around those most important to her. She wants to feel that those people bring out the best in her.
Me… I just feel that there’s so much of myself that I have to repress in order to be accepted… by anyone. With everyone important in my life, there’s at least something that I have to hold back or cover up, or leave unsaid. I’ve had very few relationships in my life where I felt I could be completely me, and still be loved. And at this time in my life, I just feel very awkward being who I am. Is there something wrong with me? Something I need to change? Or am I looking to the wrong people for affirmation? Have I just not found the right friend?
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with my friends. They are all wonderful people. But in order to get along with them, I have to wear a mask. Or at least give them the “diet” version of Stevi. When I try to open up and be real, I feel rejected, ridiculed, or at the least misunderstood.
The real Stevi has some very strong passions… some deep-rooted opinions… an unusual sense of humor… a very sensitive heart… some very dearly-held dreams… and an inquisitive and courageous mind. She thinks deep thoughts, feels deep feelings, and acts passionately. She seeks to understand, both intellectually and emotionally. She desperately wants to live a life consistent with her beliefs and convictions – even though they are often countercultural & may seem eccentric. She finds humor in most circumstances, and has a dry wit, ready to make light of anything… which tends to be slightly offensive to some. Mercy and justice are important values to her… and she wants to see them enacted in proper balance in the world. She’s not afraid to challenge ideas or philosophies, even ones that are popular or traditional. She longs to see the world as God does, and bring it closer to His plan & redeem it for His purposes. She wants to live life in serious joy – reveling in the beauty of life, and living like a child of God in every situation.
The real Stevi enjoys diversity and variety – her tastes are eclectic in food, clothes, music, design, & experiences. She gets bored with the mundane details of life… and prefers living a constant adventure. Imagination is serious business for her.. she dreams her own dreams and enjoys participating in the dreams of others. That’s why she’s so into fantasy, fiction, and history. The real Stevi likes to do the unexpected – jumping in lakes, walking in the rain, dancing just because.
I could really keep going… and maybe I will sometime. But honestly, I don’t think this will help much. It’s just a summary of a book too long and complex for most to bother reading. And the last thing I want is for people to feel guilty & try to force a closeness that hasn’t been there before. This is becoming kind of emo… so I’ll stop.
But you know what? “O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.” Psalm 139:1 And I can be satisfied with that.